This is the candle that I will be lighting on the 15Th. Light a candle and put it in your front yard on the 15Th of October at 7pm your time. Help light a wave across America in remembrance of all lost babies.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Can dreams come true?
I was walking through the parking lot yesterday... holding D.s hand like usual... and my phone rings! I freak out and start looking around, remembering my dream, ignore my phone, and I see this lady that was sitting in her running car, start backing out while looking at HER cell phone! She was backing out fast and not paying attention! I had to grab D's. and jump out of the way!!! I wouldn't of saw it if I was looking for my phone to answer it!! I just grabbed D. and started bawling. I keep d. on the inside of me so he isn't by the cars passing. So it was the car, d. then me. He would have got hit first. If I didn't have that dream a few nights in a row I wouldn't have been thinking about it and my son would have gotten hit. I'm still shaking thinking about it...
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Dreams
I keep having the same dream that my 2 1/2 year old dies. We are walking through a parking lot. I'm holding his hand so he doesn't run. My cellphone rings, so I look down to answer it, and a lady backs out with out looking and hits my son. Had I not been looking at my cellphone he might not get hit. But she hits him just hard enough that he has internal bleeding. The docs cant save him and he dies.
If you know my son you know that he LOVES trains. In my dream I buy him train jamies to bury him in.
I see him in his coffin... Someone brushed his hair to the side and it didn't look like him. I was trying to fix it and my mother in law comes up and starts yelling at me about how its disrespectful to bury him in pajamas. I told her I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. She yells at me and tells me I'm stupid. I go to put his fav. trains in his coffin with him and she starts yelling at me again. I told her I wanted him to be able to play with them in heaven and she yells at me and says "He will never play with them again you stupid idiot. Hes dead because you cared about your cellphone more then your son." I wake up crying.
I don't know why I would have such bad dreams about my mother in law. We have a great relationship... I don't know. But I wish the dreams would stop. Im scared to answer my phone in a public place now.
I have also had a dream about us getting in a car accident and having to make the decision to take him off life support. I decide to donate his origins. In my dream I meet the little boy that takes D. heart and I put my hand over his chest and say "Take care of my sons heart" and I wake up crying.
Why am I dreaming my son is going to die??? I couldn't survive that. There is no way I would be able to come back after the loss of my son. I think I would die.
If you know my son you know that he LOVES trains. In my dream I buy him train jamies to bury him in.
I see him in his coffin... Someone brushed his hair to the side and it didn't look like him. I was trying to fix it and my mother in law comes up and starts yelling at me about how its disrespectful to bury him in pajamas. I told her I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. She yells at me and tells me I'm stupid. I go to put his fav. trains in his coffin with him and she starts yelling at me again. I told her I wanted him to be able to play with them in heaven and she yells at me and says "He will never play with them again you stupid idiot. Hes dead because you cared about your cellphone more then your son." I wake up crying.
I don't know why I would have such bad dreams about my mother in law. We have a great relationship... I don't know. But I wish the dreams would stop. Im scared to answer my phone in a public place now.
I have also had a dream about us getting in a car accident and having to make the decision to take him off life support. I decide to donate his origins. In my dream I meet the little boy that takes D. heart and I put my hand over his chest and say "Take care of my sons heart" and I wake up crying.
Why am I dreaming my son is going to die??? I couldn't survive that. There is no way I would be able to come back after the loss of my son. I think I would die.
Friday, October 3, 2008
One year ago...
My life changed. One year ago today I became a different person. One year ago today... I started doubting God. One year ago today I told my son he is a big brother to an angel. One year ago today I lost a pieace of my heart I will never get back. One year go today I lost my daughter.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
A soldier died yesterday...
A soldier, and one of the few close friends that my husband had, died in action yesterday. He got shot. Thats all the detailes I know. That and he had a wife, 2 daughters and a son on the way. They are not here, they are home with family, so I can not go visit them... but for those that read my posts please pray for this soldiers family and my husband. I dont know how my husband is doing, I havent been able to talk to him, but I know he is taking this hard. I can only imagine how this soldiers wife is doing. I wish I could be there to give her a hug... I know that is a military wives worse nightmare... and hers came true.
Who am I to still cry over it?
I hate that I am sitting here yelling at my son to get back in bed while he is standing at the top of the stairs crying... and there are women who would do anything and give anything to be a mom... Ive gone up stairs, given him hugs and kisses and put him back to bed and get gets back out and stands at the top of the stairs.
Every time I get angry at him, or frustrated, I think of all the women who lost their babies and would give anything to listen to their kid cry at night... They don't want them to cry, but to have that experience. I don't know what I'm trying to say. But it makes sense in my head.
Both times I've gotten preg its been so easy. "Hey honey lets have a baby!" "OK!" and 2 months later I'm pregnant. I don't feel like I have a right to be worried about getting pregnant again. I feel selfish. I feel like I shouldn't be morning the loss of our baby. I was "only" 11 weeks. Its not like I lost a full term baby... Ive had people tell me to "just get over it already", but she was my baby! She had a heartbeat! A name. We were going to name her Kristian Rose. I was going to call her Kris. Krissie. I had a "friend" tell me that I had no right to talk to her about my loss. She lost her baby a few hours after she was born from a heart defect. She said "You never felt her kick, you never hold her and had to say goodbye" but... I'm thinking, "At least you GOT to hold your baby! I had to flush mine down the toilet!" and then I feel guilty for thinking that because shes right... I was "only" 11 weeks, what RIGHT DO I HAVE to feel bad about it a year later?
God, Its been a year already! Friday makes a year. This time last year I had a dead baby inside me. I had no clue this time last year that she wasn't with us still. I was happy. Probably looking on the Internet for bedding or a double stroller. Probably looking at my stomach dreaming of
the future.
Who am I to still cry over it?
Every time I get angry at him, or frustrated, I think of all the women who lost their babies and would give anything to listen to their kid cry at night... They don't want them to cry, but to have that experience. I don't know what I'm trying to say. But it makes sense in my head.
Both times I've gotten preg its been so easy. "Hey honey lets have a baby!" "OK!" and 2 months later I'm pregnant. I don't feel like I have a right to be worried about getting pregnant again. I feel selfish. I feel like I shouldn't be morning the loss of our baby. I was "only" 11 weeks. Its not like I lost a full term baby... Ive had people tell me to "just get over it already", but she was my baby! She had a heartbeat! A name. We were going to name her Kristian Rose. I was going to call her Kris. Krissie. I had a "friend" tell me that I had no right to talk to her about my loss. She lost her baby a few hours after she was born from a heart defect. She said "You never felt her kick, you never hold her and had to say goodbye" but... I'm thinking, "At least you GOT to hold your baby! I had to flush mine down the toilet!" and then I feel guilty for thinking that because shes right... I was "only" 11 weeks, what RIGHT DO I HAVE to feel bad about it a year later?
God, Its been a year already! Friday makes a year. This time last year I had a dead baby inside me. I had no clue this time last year that she wasn't with us still. I was happy. Probably looking on the Internet for bedding or a double stroller. Probably looking at my stomach dreaming of
the future.
Who am I to still cry over it?
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