I havent posted in forever... Im sorry.

We had a GREAT visit with my Husband. It wasn't long enough, but I really enjoyed having him home. We did it!! We got pregnant!!!! I am 7wks 6days pregnant!!!! Lets just say Ive been a bundle of nerves. Not much else going on, and I'm actually running out the door. I just wanted to let you know I didn't fall off the face of the planet.

October 15th...

This is the candle that I will be lighting on the 15Th. Light a candle and put it in your front yard on the 15Th of October at 7pm your time. Help light a wave across America in remembrance of all lost babies.

Can dreams come true?

I was walking through the parking lot yesterday... holding D.s hand like usual... and my phone rings! I freak out and start looking around, remembering my dream, ignore my phone, and I see this lady that was sitting in her running car, start backing out while looking at HER cell phone! She was backing out fast and not paying attention! I had to grab D's. and jump out of the way!!! I wouldn't of saw it if I was looking for my phone to answer it!! I just grabbed D. and started bawling. I keep d. on the inside of me so he isn't by the cars passing. So it was the car, d. then me. He would have got hit first. If I didn't have that dream a few nights in a row I wouldn't have been thinking about it and my son would have gotten hit. I'm still shaking thinking about it...

I thought I posted about a soldier dieing.. but it didnt post and was saved as a draft. I got posted further down, so it is out of order now.

Dreams

I keep having the same dream that my 2 1/2 year old dies. We are walking through a parking lot. I'm holding his hand so he doesn't run. My cellphone rings, so I look down to answer it, and a lady backs out with out looking and hits my son. Had I not been looking at my cellphone he might not get hit. But she hits him just hard enough that he has internal bleeding. The docs cant save him and he dies.
If you know my son you know that he LOVES trains. In my dream I buy him train jamies to bury him in.
I see him in his coffin... Someone brushed his hair to the side and it didn't look like him. I was trying to fix it and my mother in law comes up and starts yelling at me about how its disrespectful to bury him in pajamas. I told her I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. She yells at me and tells me I'm stupid. I go to put his fav. trains in his coffin with him and she starts yelling at me again. I told her I wanted him to be able to play with them in heaven and she yells at me and says "He will never play with them again you stupid idiot. Hes dead because you cared about your cellphone more then your son." I wake up crying.
I don't know why I would have such bad dreams about my mother in law. We have a great relationship... I don't know. But I wish the dreams would stop. Im scared to answer my phone in a public place now.

I have also had a dream about us getting in a car accident and having to make the decision to take him off life support. I decide to donate his origins. In my dream I meet the little boy that takes D. heart and I put my hand over his chest and say "Take care of my sons heart" and I wake up crying.

Why am I dreaming my son is going to die??? I couldn't survive that. There is no way I would be able to come back after the loss of my son. I think I would die.

One year ago...

My life changed. One year ago today I became a different person. One year ago today... I started doubting God. One year ago today I told my son he is a big brother to an angel. One year ago today I lost a pieace of my heart I will never get back. One year go today I lost my daughter.

A soldier died yesterday...

A soldier, and one of the few close friends that my husband had, died in action yesterday. He got shot. Thats all the detailes I know. That and he had a wife, 2 daughters and a son on the way. They are not here, they are home with family, so I can not go visit them... but for those that read my posts please pray for this soldiers family and my husband. I dont know how my husband is doing, I havent been able to talk to him, but I know he is taking this hard. I can only imagine how this soldiers wife is doing. I wish I could be there to give her a hug... I know that is a military wives worse nightmare... and hers came true.

Who am I to still cry over it?

I hate that I am sitting here yelling at my son to get back in bed while he is standing at the top of the stairs crying... and there are women who would do anything and give anything to be a mom... Ive gone up stairs, given him hugs and kisses and put him back to bed and get gets back out and stands at the top of the stairs.

Every time I get angry at him, or frustrated, I think of all the women who lost their babies and would give anything to listen to their kid cry at night... They don't want them to cry, but to have that experience. I don't know what I'm trying to say. But it makes sense in my head.

Both times I've gotten preg its been so easy. "Hey honey lets have a baby!" "OK!" and 2 months later I'm pregnant. I don't feel like I have a right to be worried about getting pregnant again. I feel selfish. I feel like I shouldn't be morning the loss of our baby. I was "only" 11 weeks. Its not like I lost a full term baby... Ive had people tell me to "just get over it already", but she was my baby! She had a heartbeat! A name. We were going to name her Kristian Rose. I was going to call her Kris. Krissie. I had a "friend" tell me that I had no right to talk to her about my loss. She lost her baby a few hours after she was born from a heart defect. She said "You never felt her kick, you never hold her and had to say goodbye" but... I'm thinking, "At least you GOT to hold your baby! I had to flush mine down the toilet!" and then I feel guilty for thinking that because shes right... I was "only" 11 weeks, what RIGHT DO I HAVE to feel bad about it a year later?

God, Its been a year already! Friday makes a year. This time last year I had a dead baby inside me. I had no clue this time last year that she wasn't with us still. I was happy. Probably looking on the Internet for bedding or a double stroller. Probably looking at my stomach dreaming of
the future.

Who am I to still cry over it?

What to do?

I think I'm going crazy! I just started my period yesterday. According to everything online I should Ovulate right in the middle of him being home!! I might have a chance of getting pregnant during R&R!!! But I am scared! If I get preg. while he is here, if something happens and I lose this baby, then I will have to go through all of that on my own. I don't want J. to be thinking of another loss while hes in Iraq. I want him to focus on whats going on over there. I don't want to think about this all the time. I want to be able to enjoy my next pregnancy and not have my doc on speed dial. I went to my doc. last week and he told me everything looked fine and hes not going to be concerned unless I lose another one. I wish I could just relax. I have never been so excited for something that scares me so much.

I watch D. play with other babies and he is so good with them! He is so ready to be a big brother! He gives them their passi's and holds their bottle for them. He covers them with blanks and pats their back when they cry. I want him to have a sibling so bad. Sigh... I wish I could tell you for sure I am going to get preg. next month.

Im bad at this..

I am bad at writing down my thoughts. Things have been really stressful around here. Both my son and I have a cold. My husband is changing his mind on me AGAIN about wether or not to have another baby. I found out he should be home from Iraq Oct. 24th, for his 18 day brake. We were suppose to try to have another baby when he comes home and now hes telling me he doesn't want to. Why does he keep doing this to me!?! When we got married we both wanted a semi-big family. We wanted about 4 kids. After our son was born he told me he didnt want anymore. I told him I DID NOT want our son to be raised as an only child (J. Has a 7 year old son whom D. has never met). So he said that we can have one more. We lost that one, and hes been gone this past year and we haven't been able to try again. I want another baby so bad! My heart hurts. I know it wont replace our daughter, but I need to hold another baby in my arms.

This deployment thing is hard... Its hard watching our son grow up not knowing his daddy.

I have a doc apt tomorrow. I need my "yearly girl check" and I want the doc to tell me its ok to try again. I am so scared. I have nightmares about getting preg again and my husband isn't even home. What if I lose the next one? As scared as I am of losing another baby, I'm more scared of not trying again. I KNOW there is another child waiting for me. I feel it in my heart that our family is not complete. I just wish my husband would agree with me and stop messing with my emotions. Hes one of those guys, that because we are not dripping with money, thinks we shouldn't have more kids. I'm ok with not having 3 more kids, I'm just asking for 1 more. Am I expecting to much?

Just starting out

I've been lurking for a while now... and I think I am ready to start sharing my thoughts and feelings with everyone.

I lost my daughter at 11 weeks to the day. No, it was that far along, but I knew about it at 2 weeks (blood test). My husband and I had been trying for another baby. I wanted a girl SO bad it wasn't funny. Its been almost a year now. I lost her 10/3/08. This time last year I was pregnant. This time last year I was looking at baby cloths and trying to pick out a name. This time last year I was arguing with my husband about whether we should get rid of the guest bed so the baby could have its own room or if we should make it share a room with our son. My husband is a Solider in the US Army. He deployed right before Christmas. He wanted to keep the bed for when our parents come out (once a year). I was concerned about having a new born and a toddler (D. wasn't even 2 at the time) sharing a room because a baby wakes up several times a night to eat and I didn't want to have to feed a baby AND put a toddler back to sleep. I would be doing everything myself. J. didn't get it. But I guess he got "his way" because we still have the guest bed. I wanted to try again before he deployed, but we waited.

At exactly 11 weeks I went to the E.R. because I was leaking clear fluid. The doc. went to look for a heart beat on the Doppler it took him a while, but he got a reading that said 154. We didn't hear anything but the that's what the Doppler said. He said we may not be able to hear it because the back might be turn... i believed him and left. Little did I know that my baby was already gone...A few days later I was standing in line at the bank with my son. I felt fine. I had energy for the first time in a long time. I was happy. Then I felt "wet". I went to the bathroom and found bright red blood, there wasn't a lot, but it was mixed with clear "stuff" (sorry TMI, It will get worse). I went to the E.R. right away. They tried to find the heart beat, but they couldn't find it. I told them there was one 3 days ago. They had me go in for a emergency Ultrasound. Luckily my husband was able to get off of work quickly and be there with me. A friend had come and picked up Dylan. I wasn't really worried at that point... I was calm. I had a feeling that everything would be OK. I was wrong. The doc. that told us was so rude and unfeeling! He came in and didn't even sit down. He said "There is no heartbeat, it looked like it was only 7 1/2 weeks. Ill get the Chaplin (military religious person) for you." and left! No I'm sorry. No emotion. That's it. I didn't wait for the Chaplin, I told my husband I wanted to go home. I needed to hold my son. This happened on a Saturday. Monday was a holiday, on Tuesday they wanted to do another ultrasound to "double check" and then talk about what to do. Sunday I went to church, while there I started to bleed heavier. People told me that they would pray that the baby was OK and that they would find a heart beat for her. But at that point I knew that there was no mistake. If I was suppose to be 11 1/2 weeks and she was only measuring 7 1/2 weeks there was no mistake. Something was wrong with her. She wasn't growing. Monday I started to loose her. I tryed looking for her in the toilet but I never found her, there was to much blood. It brakes my heart to think I flushed my baby down the toilet. I was bleeding so bad that I went back to the E.R. I had gone though 7 pads in less then a hour. They came in and started doing tests and trying to find out if I was losing too much blood. They had a pregnant lady come in to assist the doctor!!! At that point I was still numb for myself, I don't think id cryied sense they told me there was no heartbeat. I felt worse for her then I did for myself. How can they make a pregnant lady assist with a Miscarriage?? Couldn't they find someone else? I was mad for HER not for me. That came later. The doctors told me that I wasn't losing to much blood and I could go home or have a D&C. I had passed most of it on my own, but I just wanted it to be over with. So I did the D&C. Now I wish I would of chose to pass the rest of it on my own because I now know that the D&C can hurt our chances of carrying another baby full term. My husband was there to morn with me tell December, but he had to deploy to Iraq.

Having to tell my son that he was a big brother to an Angel was one of the hardest things id ever have to go through. I hope I never have to do it again...

I will post more later, I need to go cook dinner.

My husband will be home for an 18 day brake in October (a year after we lost our daughter) and we will try again. I hope I can get pregnant during those 18 days, and that our daughter in heaven will send her sister down. I hope. I have baby fever something fierce!