I am bad at writing down my thoughts. Things have been really stressful around here. Both my son and I have a cold. My husband is changing his mind on me AGAIN about wether or not to have another baby. I found out he should be home from Iraq Oct. 24th, for his 18 day brake. We were suppose to try to have another baby when he comes home and now hes telling me he doesn't want to. Why does he keep doing this to me!?! When we got married we both wanted a semi-big family. We wanted about 4 kids. After our son was born he told me he didnt want anymore. I told him I DID NOT want our son to be raised as an only child (J. Has a 7 year old son whom D. has never met). So he said that we can have one more. We lost that one, and hes been gone this past year and we haven't been able to try again. I want another baby so bad! My heart hurts. I know it wont replace our daughter, but I need to hold another baby in my arms.
This deployment thing is hard... Its hard watching our son grow up not knowing his daddy.
I have a doc apt tomorrow. I need my "yearly girl check" and I want the doc to tell me its ok to try again. I am so scared. I have nightmares about getting preg again and my husband isn't even home. What if I lose the next one? As scared as I am of losing another baby, I'm more scared of not trying again. I KNOW there is another child waiting for me. I feel it in my heart that our family is not complete. I just wish my husband would agree with me and stop messing with my emotions. Hes one of those guys, that because we are not dripping with money, thinks we shouldn't have more kids. I'm ok with not having 3 more kids, I'm just asking for 1 more. Am I expecting to much?
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