Just starting out

I've been lurking for a while now... and I think I am ready to start sharing my thoughts and feelings with everyone.

I lost my daughter at 11 weeks to the day. No, it was that far along, but I knew about it at 2 weeks (blood test). My husband and I had been trying for another baby. I wanted a girl SO bad it wasn't funny. Its been almost a year now. I lost her 10/3/08. This time last year I was pregnant. This time last year I was looking at baby cloths and trying to pick out a name. This time last year I was arguing with my husband about whether we should get rid of the guest bed so the baby could have its own room or if we should make it share a room with our son. My husband is a Solider in the US Army. He deployed right before Christmas. He wanted to keep the bed for when our parents come out (once a year). I was concerned about having a new born and a toddler (D. wasn't even 2 at the time) sharing a room because a baby wakes up several times a night to eat and I didn't want to have to feed a baby AND put a toddler back to sleep. I would be doing everything myself. J. didn't get it. But I guess he got "his way" because we still have the guest bed. I wanted to try again before he deployed, but we waited.

At exactly 11 weeks I went to the E.R. because I was leaking clear fluid. The doc. went to look for a heart beat on the Doppler it took him a while, but he got a reading that said 154. We didn't hear anything but the that's what the Doppler said. He said we may not be able to hear it because the back might be turn... i believed him and left. Little did I know that my baby was already gone...A few days later I was standing in line at the bank with my son. I felt fine. I had energy for the first time in a long time. I was happy. Then I felt "wet". I went to the bathroom and found bright red blood, there wasn't a lot, but it was mixed with clear "stuff" (sorry TMI, It will get worse). I went to the E.R. right away. They tried to find the heart beat, but they couldn't find it. I told them there was one 3 days ago. They had me go in for a emergency Ultrasound. Luckily my husband was able to get off of work quickly and be there with me. A friend had come and picked up Dylan. I wasn't really worried at that point... I was calm. I had a feeling that everything would be OK. I was wrong. The doc. that told us was so rude and unfeeling! He came in and didn't even sit down. He said "There is no heartbeat, it looked like it was only 7 1/2 weeks. Ill get the Chaplin (military religious person) for you." and left! No I'm sorry. No emotion. That's it. I didn't wait for the Chaplin, I told my husband I wanted to go home. I needed to hold my son. This happened on a Saturday. Monday was a holiday, on Tuesday they wanted to do another ultrasound to "double check" and then talk about what to do. Sunday I went to church, while there I started to bleed heavier. People told me that they would pray that the baby was OK and that they would find a heart beat for her. But at that point I knew that there was no mistake. If I was suppose to be 11 1/2 weeks and she was only measuring 7 1/2 weeks there was no mistake. Something was wrong with her. She wasn't growing. Monday I started to loose her. I tryed looking for her in the toilet but I never found her, there was to much blood. It brakes my heart to think I flushed my baby down the toilet. I was bleeding so bad that I went back to the E.R. I had gone though 7 pads in less then a hour. They came in and started doing tests and trying to find out if I was losing too much blood. They had a pregnant lady come in to assist the doctor!!! At that point I was still numb for myself, I don't think id cryied sense they told me there was no heartbeat. I felt worse for her then I did for myself. How can they make a pregnant lady assist with a Miscarriage?? Couldn't they find someone else? I was mad for HER not for me. That came later. The doctors told me that I wasn't losing to much blood and I could go home or have a D&C. I had passed most of it on my own, but I just wanted it to be over with. So I did the D&C. Now I wish I would of chose to pass the rest of it on my own because I now know that the D&C can hurt our chances of carrying another baby full term. My husband was there to morn with me tell December, but he had to deploy to Iraq.

Having to tell my son that he was a big brother to an Angel was one of the hardest things id ever have to go through. I hope I never have to do it again...

I will post more later, I need to go cook dinner.

My husband will be home for an 18 day brake in October (a year after we lost our daughter) and we will try again. I hope I can get pregnant during those 18 days, and that our daughter in heaven will send her sister down. I hope. I have baby fever something fierce!